Survivors Guide to Digital Transformation
Congratulations. You have found the first step to your Digital Transformation Recovery. The Survivors Guide is everything you need to know about Digital Transformation and even more things you don't want to know about digital transformation
The backlog of groomed prioritised list of story nodes.
(Or the Contents)
- It’s not business, its digital business.
- No-one cares.
- Fuck You, Transformation, Love From Marketing.
- Why Starting From Here Is A Bad Idea.
- Trust me, I’m a consultant.
- Measure THIS!
- You doing this on Purpose?
The real glossary of Digital Transformation.
Workshop – a long meeting where nothing is made or decided by many people whilst consuming free sandwiches.
Stand up – initially designed to be a short daily meeting but now a long meeting aimed at anyone under 30 with good bladder control.
Agile – Something immovable and unmoving, expecting everything else to move instead making it appear ‘agile’
Failing Fast – Look around, its most likely you.
Innovation Lab – Where innocent animals are often harmed, or ‘staff’ as they are often termed.
KPIs – Key Promotion Initiative – the ongoing monitoring of whether the project will get you promoted and at what time to bail when it’s clear it won’t.
Roadmap – a key deliverable designed solely to get the consultant 5 years more work.
User Testing – Asking people friendly to your KPI to tell you how good it is.
Big Data – Like all the other data you have no idea what to do with, only more of it.
Customer Focused – People you’ve never met, don’t speak to and quite honestly, have no desire to as they will only confuse things more.
When you slowly realise you’ve been in the wrong meeting for 45 minutes.
We’ve all seen it
Cockardre – When tech get together and decide that it won’t work and suspiciously not a single one of them is off message.
Mething – a meeting soley for the organiser to make everyone else feel bad about the lack of progress, essentially deflecting guilt.
Workship – where 15 people gather each side of a long table and are whipped relentlessly with PowerPoint for 6 hours until they reach a destination they didn’t want to be at in the first place. Moreover, unlikely to ever come back from.
ConCall – If you didn’t call it, you’re the one being conned into something you were, until now, unaware of.
Screenscare – when on a ‘virtual meeting’ someone shares a screen that is so horrific, everyone does an involuntary gasp. ‘Let me show you the UI designs…’
ProMotion – on presenting an idea so utterly bland yet simple, you nearly shit yourself with the thought that you might get promoted for it.
ConSulting – the 20 mins spent by the client insulting the consultants after they’ve left the meeting only to realise the glass office isn’t sound insulated that well.
InSulting – The smirk the consultant deploys as the next invoice goes in to finance for the 3 EVPs who spent a total of 7 minutes on the account.
Executizz – The utter chaos that ensues when the carefully crafted presentation for the C-Suite leaves them utterly baffled and asking all the wrong questions.